Need to Step Back and Defuse Conflict? Steps to Take First
Conflict is inevitable. In general, it’s normal, too. We may balk at such statements but it would be a lot more helpful to accept them. If you identify as peaceful or mature, you start believing that you’re above petty conflicts. Reality check: If you’re human, you will experience conflicts with other humans. Conflicts among family members can be particularly difficult if not resolved respectfully or satisfactorily.
There’s an equation at play here. Conflict is inevitable and often, it’s complex and scary. Therefore, it makes sense to accept these realities and develop the skills we need to defuse such situations. Some even call it conflict resolution.
What is Conflict Resolution?
Conflict resolution can be a formal process — something you learn and apply. In many cases, it’s more intuitive. You find yourself in a disagreement or confrontation and you react organically. Sometimes, this works. More often than not, it can make things worse.
Hence, when pondering approaches for defusing a conflict, keep these basic premises in mind:
Open Mind: So much of our discord is the result of clinging to an opinion or belief.
Practice Empathy: You don’t have to agree with someone to treat them with compassion.
Listen and Learn: Quiet your emotions and truly hear what’s being said. Be sure you understand the other person’s perspective before responding. Never forget that they might be right.
Accept One Than One Viewpoint: Each of you can hold some correct positions and some less-than-correct positions. Talking things out would benefit both of you.
To transform these guidelines into action usually happens best in small steps.
Steps to Take to Defuse Conflict
Use “I” Statements
Starting a sentence with “you” can sound like a confrontation — especially in the midst of an argument. Try using “I” statements instead. Express your viewpoint of opinion rather than pointing out where the other person may have upset you. Also, avoid “always” and “never” if you can. They broaden the discussion into something more personal and ongoing.
Acknowledge Points of Agreement
Most conflicts are not black and white. There are points of agreement. Find them and acknowledge them. Demonstrate that you’re already partially in synch. Highlight that the conflict is not about an inherent difference. Rather, there is a point of contention that can be reconciled.
Check Your Tone and Body Language
We all say so much beyond the words we choose. Your tone of voice and vocal inflections speak volumes. Even when you feel exasperated, resist the urge to show it in your tone. This will only escalate the conflict. In addition, remain aware of your body language, e.g.
General posture
Aggressive posturing
Facial expressions
Sighing
Eye-rolling
Convey your side of the story in clear language without the “help” of dramatic gestures.
Step Away If Necessary
Not all confrontations can or should be instantly defused. One or both of you may need space and time to process and consider. Articulate this need directly. Express your need to pick up the discussion at a future time. Whenever possible, explain why. Of course, if you feel abused or threatened, you are under no obligation to remain in that situation.
Healthy Conflict Resolution Skills Are Learned
Like any other skill, conflict resolution requires instruction and practice. Perhaps the best possible setting for this effort is working with a therapist. Your weekly sessions can serve as a workshop of sorts. You’ll identify underlying issues. Together, you will create new approaches. And you’ll be given homework to try out in your everyday life.
To get this valuable process started, please read more about family therapy and reach out today to set up a confidential consultation. You won’t regret making that call. We’re here for you.