COUNSELING FOR OBSESSIVE LOVE-LIMERENCE
Does loving feel like a roller coaster to you… you’re walking on air one moment and in the depths of depression the next, depending on whether or not you think your feelings are reciprocated by your lover?
Do you think about that person ALL the time?
Do you fantasize a relationship with them?
If so, you might be experiencing Limerence*.
Limerence is a state of yearning for reciprocation from someone who could be, but is not necessarily, a sexual partner. It is maintained by a perfect ratio of Hope to Uncertainty about reciprocation. The average “shelf-life” of these feelings is generally six to eighteen months, but they can endure for a lifetime of unrequited longing.
Biochemical Roots of Love Obsession
Limerence, driven chemically by Dopamine, can describe the very early stages of love that becomes reciprocated and eventually “settles in” to a deep comfortable caring steeped in Oxytocin. Dopamine, with its concomitant bursts of energy, excitement, creativity, sexual attraction, and euphoria, tends to make us write bad poetry and sing out of key while feeling utterly brilliant. It flows when we hope to get something “better than we expected” Limerence is intense and compelling.
Oxytocin is the cuddle and attachment chemical that results in a warm glow, expanding our hearts, with smooth, sometimes sleepy, feelings that wash over us like a soothing comfortable waterfall. Oxytocin-based love is secure and comfortable.
How Do I Know If I’m Lovesick?
A hallmark of limerence is that, you spend a lot of time in “fantasied interactions” and you may spend a lot of time trying to solve the puzzle of why your guy or gal isn’t reciprocating and how to get them to reciprocate your deep feelings. When they don’t call you feel shattered, in despair. When they call you unexpectedly, you’re on Cloud Nine. You feel both hopeful and uncertain about the relationship, which makes a powerful love potion.
You may idealize the Limerent person’s qualities, both positive and negative. The intrusive thoughts about them seem to never stop. You might stutter or feel really shy around them. You may fear their rejection, obsessively search for signs they reciprocate your love, and then feel euphoric with every perceived gesture. You may feel physical sensations such as trembling, flushing, weakness, heart palpitations around the Limerent person.
You’re Not Alone
Not everybody gets in this kind of mess. But those who do, are typically smart strong folks. They are generally used to working very hard to get good outcomes, delaying gratification, and being rewarded for their hard work.
The bottom line is that your emotions feel very out of control. It’s like a drug and it’s hard to give up the potential for reciprocation for the pain of losing the dream.
We can help you navigate these turbulent waters! Sometimes just a non-judgmental and knowledgeable therapist to talk to, who understands, and can explain what’s happening to you, can make all the difference!
You may have questions or concerns about getting limerence treated…
I worry about being judged.
Our therapists understand what you’re going through and will not judge you. They will simply guide you to become clear about your situation and what you want to do going forward. They will help you move yourself out of feeling tortured and confused to feeling strong and resilient again.
I don’t have enough money for Limerence treatment.
By seeking help, you make an investment in yourself and in your future. Limerence treatment is designed to help you make sustainable changes in how you approach romantic love so that you can achieve deep, delightful, long-lasting, reciprocated love.
Therapy will take too much time.
If you are truly limerent now, consider how much time you are losing, each day (and night!), fantasizing, ruminating, worrying, preparing, and being depressed! Limerence therapy can help you return to your previously active and high-functioning life and make the most of every day!
You Needn’t Do It Alone. We invite you to call us at 714-432-9856 today to set up an appointment so you can start to feel stronger and better!
*Limerence is a term coined by Dorothy Tennov in 1979, in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Her hypothesis, rested on several thousand questionnaires, personal testimonies, interviews, and letters, that a distinct and involuntary psychological state occurs identically among normal people who differ in culture, socioeconomic status, educational level, gender, and other traits.
A Great Blessing:
In 1979, I was finishing graduate school and working with strong powerful women who were single, divorced, or separated at the University of California-Irvine Women’s Opportunity Center. Love, or the loss of it, was making them feel crazy, weak, and confused. I ran across Tennov’s book and was so impressed by its clarity and nonjudgmental tone that I immediately wrote to Dr. Tennov in Connecticut where she was on leave from the University of Connecticut-Bridgeport to tell her thank you. There had been no research of any kind on this form of love before her work. It was simply (pejoratively) referred to as “neurotic dependency” or “love addiction” or “obsessive love.” Her assistant, Helen Payne, wrote me back and said Dorothy would love it if I came for a few days and offered me an invitation to stay in her home and meet with her about her research. Clearly, that was an invitation I could not pass up! ~Dr. Nancy
WHEN METAPHOR REPLACES METEOR SHOWERS
~ By Diane Wakowski (1978). Smudging.
Each time you
Touch me
A shower
Of meteors bursts in my mouth
I cannot think
Of their beauty
Apart from my fear of fire
As if some burning piece of a building will fall on me
I would never tell you how you frighten me
With pleasure
Or how I freeze my heart with trips to the Arctic
To fight the fire
This scene comes in a dream
To haunt me:
ship on fire
Raging out of control in the ocean
Of the North Pole
And the water freezing
Like lace As it’s poured through the flames
Fire burning out of control
In the ice
If we can answer further questions for you, just call 714-432-9856 and we will be happy to help you.
