After an Affair: Can You Make It Through or Will Your Marriage Fall Apart?

Why People Cheat

Typically, people cheat because they are seeking something that they aren’t getting in their relationship.

There is the stereotype that men cheat because they fear intimacy, whereas women cheat in search of it. Sure, this is the case sometimes, but it’s certainly not unanimous. Furthermore, people can be entirely happy and satisfied with their relationship, but still, cheat.

Just because your spouse had an affair doesn’t mean that you weren’t giving your all to them. And it doesn’t mean that you were doing anything wrong. Though, it inevitably feels that way when your partner cheats on you.

Overcoming the Betrayal

The hardest part of an affair is overcoming the trauma inflicted by your spouse’s betrayal. Whether they had a one-time fling or a multi-year romance, infidelity can shake you to your core.

Not only do you question your marriage, but you are left to question yourself. You are made to feel as if it was something you did wrong or didn’t provide.

As mentioned, people will cheat even in the happiest of marriages. It isn’t about what you didn’t do, but about what another person did.

It may feel impossible not to internalize this feeling that your partner cheated because you weren’t good enough for them. However, you must overcome it if you want your marriage to work. A marriage without trust will never function properly.

Thus, if your partner had an affair, repentance is on them—but overcoming the betrayal is on you.

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Relationship therapist Esther Perel offers a poignant perspective of affairs. She notes that marriage used to be an economic exchange, and divorce was shameful, even after an affair.

Nowadays, as Perel puts it herself, “staying is the new shame.” Meaning, if your spouse cheats on you and you decide to stay with them, society frequently casts more shame on this decision than breaking off the relationship.

We are living in an era of “self-respect” and “loving yourself,” which paints those who stay in unfaithful relationships as lacking those personal qualities. But this is untrue!

The best way to respect yourself is to do what is best for you in your relationship. If you want to divorce your partner, you should do so. If you still love your partner and want to make it work, you should use that as the catalyst to reinvent your relationship and make it work. Neither choice is anything shameful.

Moving Forward

Perel also notes that an affair can help a relationship in a particular way. How so? Not only does it give both partners a wake-up call, but it allows for new boundaries to be set. You no longer have to shy away from specific conversations or pretend not to notice obvious red flags.

Repentance is a must for you to be able to move forward. If your partner doesn’t recognize that both the affair itself and the negative impact it had on you were wrong, then the relationship likely won’t work. But if your partner is genuinely remorseful, and you still love them, then your relationship has a chance of making it.

The thing is, you have to be proactive, speak up, and set your boundaries.

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If you’re interested in finding a couple’s counselor who can help you deal with the aftermath of an affair, please contact me. Or visit my page on couples counseling to learn more.

The road to recovery after infidelity is certainly not an easy one, but one that is undoubtedly achievable!