5 Ways People Pleasing Can Come Back To Bite You

Do you think of yourself as a people pleaser? Always going out of your way to make others around you happy? On the surface, pleasing people may be seen as a pleasant trait. Yet, deep inside, it can have an adverse emotional effect on you.

“To please is a disease.” 

This quote from psychologist Harriet Braiker sums it up perfectly. Pleasing friends and family can become an addiction. Chronic pleasers neglect their personal needs and wants. The ironic result? The loss of respect from those you were trying to please in the first place. You don’t have to go on this way.

Let’s take a look at 5 ways people-pleasing can come back to bite you so that you can start turning things around.

You Practice Self-Neglect

Again, if you’re constantly making sure everyone else is happy, then there is a high chance that you’re neglecting your own needs. While you’re busy worrying about what others think, you will forget to take time for yourself and this need for pleasing people will take over.

Constantly going out of your way to please others is actually harmful if you don’t check your behavior. It can even lead to financial strain and diminished quality of life as you “help” friends and family. Money that you may not be able to afford to hand out goes out anyway. Time away from work to support others ends up costing you opportunities. Other people’s problems consume you and your resources.

You must make time and space for yourself. Failing to prioritize your needs could compromise your health as stress or anxiety take over.

You’ve Lost Community Respect 

Most people pleasers please because they want to be liked, wanted, appreciated. Sound familiar? Perhaps you want to be respected and considered reliable as well. 

Unfortunately, people tend to lose respect for those who are constantly giving and trying to please.  Many people see people-pleasers as pushovers, easily led, and available at their whim. People they can walk over and are least likely to assert their own cause. Sadly, this means they will not think that highly of a pleaser or value the relationship as highly as they should. 

You’re Often Unheard and Overlooked

As a people pleaser, you probably don’t show your emotions very often. It likely doesn’t feel safe. When you’re annoyed or frustrated, you’ll keep it in so others don’t feel bad for you. You don’t want to get in the way. You may feel that you’re there for them and don’t want to be a bother.

This can come back to bite you when you long for caring and support. 

Others will not consider how you feel, they literally have no practice seeing you as a whole person. They’ve been trained to think that you’re never angry or upset. Your thoughts and opinions don’t matter to them, because you told them with words or deeds, that their thoughts and opinions are the ones worth noticing. 

You’re Repeatedly Targeted

Frighteningly, you can open yourself up to more abuse and manipulation as a people-pleaser. In other words, if you defer and demote yourself in the name of getting along, more aggressive personalities will take notice. 

This is why it’s not unusual to find people-pleasers in abusive personal relationships or those where they are taken advantage of every day at work. Don’t become an overly-agreeable target for others to take advantage of.

You Feel Alternately Furious, Frustrated, and Forlorn

The adage “A full bottle will eventually break from the pressure, “ holds very true when it comes to people-pleasing. You are not doing your long-term mental health any favors by constantly trying to manage others’ feelings, needs, and perceptions. It’s not psychologically healthy to avoid your own emotions or neglect core principles, needs, and desires.

If you do this, it means you are likely burying anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety. It is healthier to balance self-love and genuine concern for others. Otherwise, you simply live a life of inner tension and manipulation. You and your relationships deserve better.

How to Make a Change? 

Work with a counselor is a great first step. Find the causes of your people-pleasing. Assess together where you can get honest with yourself. Then you can work on building honest relationships. Step back and think about what you want, not what others expect from you. 

You may be uncomfortable at first, but learning to live happily without the constant need to please those around you is a worthy journey. Please read more about anxiety treatment and being assertive. Reach out soon for a consultation.