Understanding Forgiveness: What It Is & What It Isn't
Forgiveness is an important foundation of any healthy relationship or situation. Without it, negative emotions can grow. But how much do we truly understand about forgiveness? It’s so much more than saying “I’m sorry.” It’s so much more than replying “It’s okay.”
When you let go of ego or resentment, you are practicing forgiveness. When you release thoughts of revenge, you are also practicing forgiveness. It’s not a permanent choice but it can be an ongoing state of mind. That said, forgiveness can (and should) mean a little something different to each of us. Let’s take a closer look.
Forgiveness: What It Is & What It Isn't
Forgiveness is Not Automatic
Think of forgiveness as a dialogue. If you have wronged someone, it’s not automatic that you will be forgiven. You must enter into an open discussion with the other person or persons involved. An authentic apology is crucial (more about that later). But you must ask for forgiveness and not feel like it's owed to you.
Forgiveness is a Process
If someone has hurt you, you should be free to feel what you need to feel. Process the pain. Get to a place in which you understand your feelings. Only then will you be positioned to deal with apologies, discussions, and forgiveness.
Forgiving is Not the Same as Condoning
You can forgive someone without condoning their actions. You can forgive someone without ever expecting things to be the same as they were. Your forgiveness is designed to bring peace to the situation. You can free yourself of unhealthy emotions without reconnecting with the person you’ve forgiven.
Forgiveness is Acceptance
Throughout your life, you will spend equal time on either side of the apology/forgiveness divide. Accept this reality with humility. Every time someone has to apologize to you, stay aware that you will be in a similar position soon enough.
Forgiveness is Not About Revenge
When someone crosses you, it could create the urge to bad-mouth them forget even. To forgive that person instead requires you to resist such reflexive actions. Rise above such knee-jerk responses.
Forgiveness is Moving On
As soon as you’ve forgiven someone, the time for blame is over. True forgiveness involves letting go of grudges. If you still feel resentment afterward, that is now your issue to work with.
Forgiveness is Not Possible Without an Authentic Apology
As touched on above, forgiveness begins with a sincere apology. The components of such an apology include:
Don’t Assume: The wronged person may not be ready for your apology. Begin the conversation by expressing your desire to apologize and take it from there.
Show Remorse: Take full responsibility for your actions. Express regret. Show contrition. Remember: “I’m sorry if you were offended” is not a genuine apology.
Make Amends: Skip the excuses. Make it clear precisely what you are apologizing for. Commit to fixing the situation or tendency.
Forgiveness is Often Very Difficult...Seek Help
Depending on the circumstances, forgiving can be quite a challenge. For example, in a long-term relationship, a lot of baggage can build up. There’s familial strife and workplace drama. The list goes on but so does the need for forgiveness. How do you navigate this tricky process?
If you feel stuck in all this, it could be very helpful to meet with a skilled professional. A weekly therapy session can be an ideal setting in which to work through such blockages. You can explore underlying causes while practicing new approaches. Forgiveness, as a state of mind, is a perpetual work in progress. Therapy is an avenue toward this valuable goal.
If you and your fiancé are ready to learn more about w we can help support you, consider premarital counseling. Please contact my office or visit my Premarital Counseling page to learn more.