Trauma Bonding: What it is & How to Spot it

What Is A Trauma Bond

A trauma bond occurs over time when you are treated poorly by someone, then alternatively showered with affection and attention. It is designed to keep you in this toxic relationship by giving you some breadcrumbs to hang on to.

Over time, it can reduce your self-esteem, distance you from other healthy relationships, and even result in poor mental health. It becomes hard to leave this relationship because you are so invested in and ultimately bonded.

Stages Of Trauma Bonding

There are seven stages of trauma bonding. They include:

Love bombing – this occurs when there is an intense amount of praise and affection. This one can get tricky because there is a play on emotions and the idea that there is a positive side to the abuse. It attempts to create the “we” in a relationship, often leading to an abusive relationship.

Trust and dependency – this stage tests the bounds of a relationship. The victim in the relationship may be made to feel guilty for questioning their partner (or abuser).

Criticism – coming after a love bombing stage, this one can be hurtful as it picks you apart as a person. It comes with blame and often argument. Your trust has already been tested, so you likely take that blame and brush it aside.

Manipulation and gaslighting – these tactics will make you question the reality of the relationship. It’s a mental warfare game that tends to shift the blame of things onto you. Gaslighting is an extremely toxic and very textbook for abusive relationships.

Resignation and giving up – eventually, after taking the negative treatment and abuse, you reach a point where you throw in the towel to avoid further conflict. By resigning your power, you become more dependent on your counterpart.

Loss of self – deepening on how long you were/are in the relationship, the progression of the trauma bond causes a loss of identity. You become this shell of yourself due to poor treatment.

Addiction to the cycle –

a trauma bond relationship tends to be vicious. There will be periods where things appear to be ok before entering the cycle of stages all over again. 

How To Recognize A Trauma Bond

As that last stage states, a trauma bond is cyclical in nature. When a relationship is always bad, you generally walk away. That part is easy. In an abusive relationship, however, there are periods when the relationship appears to be “good.” Those good times make it hard to leave. This could be a flag if you notice a rollercoaster of good and bad times.

Another thing to be aware of is a power imbalance. Generally, with a trauma bond, one person carries much more power and control than the other. You get put through the wringer but still feel connected to this person and under their control.

If you are in a relationship and feel unhappy often but can’t seem to find a way to end it, this could be a trauma bond. When you hold on to the few good days so hard to overshadow the bad ones, this could be a trauma bond.

If you have left a relationship but feel overly distressed and concerned, you may still struggle with a trauma bond. It’s important to recognize signs and observe your own self and habits. If you feel like this sounds familiar, schedule a consultation today.