How Unmet Childhood Needs Affect Adult Relationships

Your Attachment Style

Attachment styles are developed during your early years of life based on interactions with caregivers. Which version of attachment style is formed shapes how you regulate your emotions, view yourself, and form relationships. These things further influence how your attachment style progresses as you age.

When you experience limited support, neglect, or inconsistent parental behavior as a child, you’re less likely to feel secure in your relationships. The resulting attachment styles become anxious or avoidant. 

Having either of these attachment styles can cause a fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting a partner, clinginess, or being emotionally withdrawn from others. Any and all of these can impact your ability to be intimate and establish a connection with another person.

Emotional Wounds

Having unmet needs as a child can create deep emotional wounds that don’t naturally heal and then remain with you into adulthood. In an attempt to find validation from your partner, you may appear possessive, clingy, or need constant reassurance. 

Because you’ve not felt that level of security that’s considered normal, you may constantly fear that your partner will leave you. Due to previous baggage, it’s harder to meet your physical and emotional needs.

These wounds also create barriers, making it significantly harder to bond and form a close relationship with your partner. You have more heightened reactivity but still keep your partner at a distance emotionally.

Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Unmet childhood needs can also affect both your self-esteem and your self-worth. Not receiving parental love or attention that you need as a child can skew how you view yourself as an adult. You may feel inadequate or not worthy of receiving love because you never experienced it. 

As an adult, you may look for the validation you’ve been missing and settle for the first place you find it, even if it isn’t the healthiest option. You’re also more likely to allow other bad behaviors in your relationships because that’s all you know.

Codependency

Codependency is an unhealthy pattern of behavior where you place your needs below those of another person, regardless of your well-being. This stems from a strong need for validation from other people or a difficulty setting boundaries. 

When you don’t have your needs met as a child, you’re resilient enough to learn to meet your own needs and to rely on yourself. As you transition into adulthood and enter into a relationship, you’re suddenly met with an opportunity to rely on someone else, maybe for the first time. 

Since there is no previous reference point, you don’t know how to gauge accepting support and leaning on someone else for validation. The result is an over-reliance on your partner for maintaining self-worth and well-being. Putting their needs above yours becomes easy because you don’t want them to leave you. This lends itself to many unhealthy foundations for a relationship.

Unhealthy Communication 

When you don’t experience healthy communication as a child, you can’t learn and develop skills of your own. You may struggle to express your feelings or dive into deeper conversations in fear of upsetting your partner.

You’re more likely to avoid creating as minimal waves as possible when faced with conflict. Unhealthy communication behaviors will only lead to unsustainable relationships.

Are you struggling in your relationships? Is it possible factors from your childhood may be influencing your outcomes? Contact us to learn more about healing and growth.